Dr. Connor, this essay is exactly what so many of us have experienced but struggled to articulate with this level of precision. You've named the mechanism—misrecognition and selective enforcement—in a way that makes it impossible to reduce this to "just a bad interaction."
What struck me most was your framing of legitimacy as infrastructure, not a vibe. That's the piece people miss. They think of discrimination as individual hatred when it's actually about whose standing gets to be enforceable and whose becomes negotiable the moment it's inconvenient.
The question you asked—would this have unfolded the same way if you were a white man—that's the question that clarifies everything. And most people, if they're honest, already know the answer.
Thank you for writing this even when it would have been easier to just move on. For those of us navigating these same patterns in healthcare, in workplaces, in public spaces—this essay gives us the language we need. Sharing widely.
I am horrified and so sorry this happened to you!!!!!! Thank you for this essay. Thank you for doing what you do for others!!! And hoping your children are feeling better each day.
Thank you, Shelby. I really appreciate you reading the essay and engaging with it thoughtfully. The kids are doing better each day—still recovering, but we're getting there.
What you said about the work matters to me. It's been a hard few days, but comments like yours remind me why it's worth writing these things down instead of just moving past them.
Oh my goodness, Dr. Connor! I sent a VERY long reply a bit ago; and it did not go through! ARRG. What I said was; your reply actually made me cry; absolutely 100% you should NOT have to legitimize or prove or be ANYTHING other than yourself; when carrying out an every day; simple, straight forward ; fully understood ; task/transaction in this country!!!!!!! The fact that you were treated like this for such a basic interaction; leads one to understand....that if THIS is how you are treated in this matter; then....how that extrapolates (?) out into allll the layers and ways of insidiousness, cruelness, unspoken and deep seated discrimination; racism; and all the ways in which it is/was in this instance perpetuated...let alone in so many different ways everyday.....is mind boggling. AND .....you should be as you said..treated respected and attended to just as anyone else would be in your situation; BUT as a Dr; on Christmas ; with your own kids home sick; you definitely warranted and SHOULD HAVE BEEN accorded an extra dose of kindness; thanks; and understanding by the staff!!!!!! That is not "necessary" but ABSOLUTELY you deserved that. I honor and appreciate your work ; and all those in your shoes who take care of all of us.....every single day; and I understand as best I can; as in my various jobs have worked all the shifts; holidays etc...even when it means your holiday and your kids time with you; becomes not first priority! And I was NEVER in a position such as yours; so you are extra appreciated for what you do; in these instances. Anyway; my other comment made more sense; ha. I hope this one sticks! Take care, and glad your kids are recovering ; if slowly. My niece's 4 kids....went down for the count as well the week before Christmas; one at a time, haha..their recovery was slow as well.
Shelby, the fact that you rewrote this after it didn't go through—that matters to me. Thank you.
You named something I've been thinking about: if a simple paid transaction can become this, what does that tell us about every other interaction where the stakes are higher? The pattern doesn't announce itself with signs—it shows up in these ordinary moments that shouldn't be complicated but somehow become unsafe.
Your recognition of the work, especially from someone who's done shift work yourself, means more than I can say. Thank you for seeing it. ❤️
You're asking the right question. Because if this were really about "policy" or "confusion," there were multiple non-punitive solutions available. Cancel the order. Refund immediately. Apologize. Move on.
But escalation serves a different purpose: it reinforces whose legitimacy is treated as automatic, and whose can be contested. The pattern isn't an accident.
I hear what you're saying, but I'd push back gently on that framing. Restricted access to information can be part of it, but escalation like this doesn't require ignorance, it often happens with full knowledge.
The staff knew the order was paid for. They could see the transaction. They watched other customers receive their food. The information was all there. What was missing wasn't data, it was the recognition that my legitimacy required the same response theirs would have.
That's why I focus on the mechanism: misrecognition and selective enforcement. Those don't disappear just because people have access to better information. They're sustained by who we've been trained to see as enforceable, and who we've been trained to see as contestable.
These people who think they hold some moral highground are the worst people ever even though the god they never pray to is all about love. It's a hamster wheel chasing logic wire these people.
Oh Dr Connor!! Your response made me cry. There were/ are so many other thoughts/ emotions that came up for me reading your piece; but I was not going to be able to put them into any concise response. 😅. ABSOLUTELY 100% you should NOT have to fight for your legitimacy and right to what is CLEARLY across the board an easy ; automatic; standard ; everyday transaction in America! So moving outward ; if THIS is one’s experience for something basic…YES …. extrapolating (?) brings one to get a tiny tiny idea… of the wrongness; weaved in ness; insidiousness; cruelty ; depth of what you and other Black Americans and any other marginalized people experience everyday. Monumental! AND! From unfortunately having had some big Covid and other health issues pop up ; I used to appreciate my medical providers; now I ALWAYS thank them for the care they provide no matter what part of the medical team they are … and appreciate the 24/7 types of shifts you all pull!!! ❤️. Glad for your kids! My niece has 4 kids; they all got sick the week before Christmas; and it has been the same as your kids experience;; slow but steady recovery.
I started reading this and was more and more horrified. Then I realized you are Black (I wasn't thinking about it.) Aha! One of those horrifying stories about how the current level of racism, cruelty, and ignorance impacts us, while being denied (none of that DEI here!). Thank you for taking time out of your day, and your care of your children, to attempt to enlighten us.
Dr. Connor, this essay is exactly what so many of us have experienced but struggled to articulate with this level of precision. You've named the mechanism—misrecognition and selective enforcement—in a way that makes it impossible to reduce this to "just a bad interaction."
What struck me most was your framing of legitimacy as infrastructure, not a vibe. That's the piece people miss. They think of discrimination as individual hatred when it's actually about whose standing gets to be enforceable and whose becomes negotiable the moment it's inconvenient.
The question you asked—would this have unfolded the same way if you were a white man—that's the question that clarifies everything. And most people, if they're honest, already know the answer.
Thank you for writing this even when it would have been easier to just move on. For those of us navigating these same patterns in healthcare, in workplaces, in public spaces—this essay gives us the language we need. Sharing widely.
I am horrified and so sorry this happened to you!!!!!! Thank you for this essay. Thank you for doing what you do for others!!! And hoping your children are feeling better each day.
Thank you, Shelby. I really appreciate you reading the essay and engaging with it thoughtfully. The kids are doing better each day—still recovering, but we're getting there.
What you said about the work matters to me. It's been a hard few days, but comments like yours remind me why it's worth writing these things down instead of just moving past them.
Thank you for taking the time. ❤️
Oh my goodness, Dr. Connor! I sent a VERY long reply a bit ago; and it did not go through! ARRG. What I said was; your reply actually made me cry; absolutely 100% you should NOT have to legitimize or prove or be ANYTHING other than yourself; when carrying out an every day; simple, straight forward ; fully understood ; task/transaction in this country!!!!!!! The fact that you were treated like this for such a basic interaction; leads one to understand....that if THIS is how you are treated in this matter; then....how that extrapolates (?) out into allll the layers and ways of insidiousness, cruelness, unspoken and deep seated discrimination; racism; and all the ways in which it is/was in this instance perpetuated...let alone in so many different ways everyday.....is mind boggling. AND .....you should be as you said..treated respected and attended to just as anyone else would be in your situation; BUT as a Dr; on Christmas ; with your own kids home sick; you definitely warranted and SHOULD HAVE BEEN accorded an extra dose of kindness; thanks; and understanding by the staff!!!!!! That is not "necessary" but ABSOLUTELY you deserved that. I honor and appreciate your work ; and all those in your shoes who take care of all of us.....every single day; and I understand as best I can; as in my various jobs have worked all the shifts; holidays etc...even when it means your holiday and your kids time with you; becomes not first priority! And I was NEVER in a position such as yours; so you are extra appreciated for what you do; in these instances. Anyway; my other comment made more sense; ha. I hope this one sticks! Take care, and glad your kids are recovering ; if slowly. My niece's 4 kids....went down for the count as well the week before Christmas; one at a time, haha..their recovery was slow as well.
Shelby, the fact that you rewrote this after it didn't go through—that matters to me. Thank you.
You named something I've been thinking about: if a simple paid transaction can become this, what does that tell us about every other interaction where the stakes are higher? The pattern doesn't announce itself with signs—it shows up in these ordinary moments that shouldn't be complicated but somehow become unsafe.
Your recognition of the work, especially from someone who's done shift work yourself, means more than I can say. Thank you for seeing it. ❤️
Even if you're a scared bigoted racist, why you always gotta escalate? And why the cops always gotta get called?
You're asking the right question. Because if this were really about "policy" or "confusion," there were multiple non-punitive solutions available. Cancel the order. Refund immediately. Apologize. Move on.
But escalation serves a different purpose: it reinforces whose legitimacy is treated as automatic, and whose can be contested. The pattern isn't an accident.
The real problem is the restricted access to information these people have.
I hear what you're saying, but I'd push back gently on that framing. Restricted access to information can be part of it, but escalation like this doesn't require ignorance, it often happens with full knowledge.
The staff knew the order was paid for. They could see the transaction. They watched other customers receive their food. The information was all there. What was missing wasn't data, it was the recognition that my legitimacy required the same response theirs would have.
That's why I focus on the mechanism: misrecognition and selective enforcement. Those don't disappear just because people have access to better information. They're sustained by who we've been trained to see as enforceable, and who we've been trained to see as contestable.
Oh there's personal accountability issues as well, I'm not arguing.
These people who think they hold some moral highground are the worst people ever even though the god they never pray to is all about love. It's a hamster wheel chasing logic wire these people.
Look at me "these people". The irony.
Oh Dr Connor!! Your response made me cry. There were/ are so many other thoughts/ emotions that came up for me reading your piece; but I was not going to be able to put them into any concise response. 😅. ABSOLUTELY 100% you should NOT have to fight for your legitimacy and right to what is CLEARLY across the board an easy ; automatic; standard ; everyday transaction in America! So moving outward ; if THIS is one’s experience for something basic…YES …. extrapolating (?) brings one to get a tiny tiny idea… of the wrongness; weaved in ness; insidiousness; cruelty ; depth of what you and other Black Americans and any other marginalized people experience everyday. Monumental! AND! From unfortunately having had some big Covid and other health issues pop up ; I used to appreciate my medical providers; now I ALWAYS thank them for the care they provide no matter what part of the medical team they are … and appreciate the 24/7 types of shifts you all pull!!! ❤️. Glad for your kids! My niece has 4 kids; they all got sick the week before Christmas; and it has been the same as your kids experience;; slow but steady recovery.
I started reading this and was more and more horrified. Then I realized you are Black (I wasn't thinking about it.) Aha! One of those horrifying stories about how the current level of racism, cruelty, and ignorance impacts us, while being denied (none of that DEI here!). Thank you for taking time out of your day, and your care of your children, to attempt to enlighten us.