Unraveled & Reborn: Reflections on Motherhood

How Motherhood Unraveled, Remade, and Revealed Me

Becoming a mother has absolutely unraveled me—and continues to do so. The complexities and simplicities of it all. Understanding that I will never be the woman I was before children. That there was a freedom that would be taken away—or better yet, a freedom I would willingly give away.

The freedom to always choose me, to be me, despite it all.

My body, for a while, was no longer mine—especially when you embark on the journey of breastfeeding. The multilayered aspects of understanding milk production: overproducing, underproducing, the emotional rollercoaster, simply because that’s how a woman’s body responds after giving birth. Hormones are not within our control.

I’ll never forget nursing my firstborn, Zion, during one of his growth spurts—something I’d never heard about, nor was I informed that it even happens. I was nursing and giving him a bottle, yet it still felt like he wasn’t getting enough to eat. It was so stressful, and I was tireddd. I remember calling my mom in tears, all while breastfeeding, saying, “He won’t stop crying. I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Come to find out, babies clusterfeed during growth spurts.

And this—this—is what I never realized I was ultimately choosing. I was choosing a different kind of selflessness I didn’t know could exist.

Becoming a mother made me look at my childhood in ways I had never investigated. I didn’t know it would lead me to question my parents—how my mother mothered or didn’t, and how my father fathered or didn’t. Motherhood unraveled me—and made me want to know all the layers of my parents.

It revealed me to myself.

It handed me two mirrors, two different lenses, two shifting perspectives from two tiny human beings who call me Mommy.

My son has taught me how much patience I didn’t—and sometimes still don’t—have. He’s taught me to love him for who he is—even when he reflects parts of me I haven’t yet learned to love. And oh, my Phoenix, the youngest one. She has taught me how important it really is to raise little girls—future women—with confidence and self-love.

Honestly, both of them have taught me the power of teaching self-respect and boundaries—not just to them, but for myself.

Motherhood has called my attention to trauma both touched and untouched. It has exposed my weaknesses, my faults, my strengths, my desires, my dreams.

I’m not even sure when it happened—when I truly realized how taxing the emotional realities of parenting are. How much we carry to bed with us, even after we tuck our children in—after we say, I love you, turn off the bedroom light, and quietly close the door on the day’s tantrums, school drop-offs and pick-ups, misunderstandings, misfires, frustrations. The invisible weight of it all.

Motherhood is an emotional rollercoaster.

And don’t get me wrong, it’s not always about being humbled by these little humans we brought into the world (that’s another post for another time—giving birth).

There is also joy:

Deep-bellied laughter between siblings you’re raising as best friends.

Moments when you see the very best of yourself shining through their personalities.

The kind of warm little hugs that lift you more than any cup of coffee (and I don’t even drink coffee).

Motherhood will leave you breathless and in awe of how someone so tiny (or not-so-tiny) can leave a footprint the size of a giant on your heart.

I’ve heard that becoming a mom would change you—and have also seen how it may not. I truly believe it’s a choice—to let motherhood make you want to be better. And for sure, motherhood has made me want to be the mom my kids deserve, despite everything and everyone I had already been.

I want to make sure they see my dedication to my dreams. That I’m the mom who understands how to strike a balance between work and parenting. They’ve helped me understand what my true purpose is.

Motherhood made me anew—while also bringing me back to my roots.

To who I am, who I am not, and who I’m becoming—not just as a mother, but as Danielle Simone Goode: daughter, cousin, friend, entrepreneur, creative.

So much more.

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