A Superwoman’s Journey

When Resiliency Becomes Kryptonite

RESILIENCY. Webster’s dictionary defines resiliency as “the ability to withstand or adjust to challenges.” A more profound definition would be “consistent strength.” That consistency has become the most common attribute that women (especially women of color) have had to display. Whether within their career trajectory or as a homemaker, women of color have had no other option but to endure the hardships and “status quo” of being resilient. I have personally seen this dynamic in countless scenarios as a male working in predominantly female-led organizations/institutions, as well as within a matriarchal family stalwart. As the son of a retired Director of Nursing (Geriatrics), I watched my mother persevere through multiple 11 PM–7 AM shifts (back-to-back), part-time agency employment, continuing education (Master’s – MSN) and accreditation sustainment (licensure), spiritual balance (worship/prayer) and aptitude (Doctorate/Theology), independence/entrepreneurship (business development), and the enduring familial responsibility (and nurturing) of motherhood.

HOW? How can anyone manage and/or maintain these differentiating aspects, and it be considered a societal norm? When is there time to rest or recover? Is that rest/recovery built on functional wellness, or is it simply “playing catch-up” with negated sleep and dietary provisions? What’s the backup plan in case of illness or the need for major surgery? Is there someone who can bear the burden of such responsibility? Does the employer (workplace) or supporters/customers (business owner) realize their demand? Do the children understand/recognize the mother’s lifestyle of hectic (and chaotic) abandonment? (If married) Does the husband (or partner) understand/recognize it? More often than not, the answer is an emphatic “NO.”

The pivotal position that women of color play is usually ignored and/or dismissed until it is completely absolved. Once that proverbial domino has fallen, it creates a pattern of numerous additional fallen pieces that excel in an epic patternization of morbidity (and sunkenness). An interesting quote further explains this impending calamity: “Men are the HEAD of the family; however, women are the NECK,”—meaning, men are often presented as the logical leader and protector of the family; however, women provide the direction (and moral/emotional compass) for the family. If the neck is severed, there’s instant paralysis. In this example, women are more than a functional asset; they are the reserve strength needed to ensure the family continues to progress. But what if there’s no other person to share the accountability of life’s demands? That question is the antithesis of this article and the infallible construct of single mothers around the world. The answer is RESILIENCY, without measure or conceptualization of self.

How did the concept of RESILIENCY become so ingrained within the DNA of so many women of color? From a historical analysis, let’s look back at the most glaring viewpoint: SLAVERY. Yes, it is an ugly, nation-dividing term that often evokes sentiments of understanding or defensiveness due to conviction. Excuse the brief, graphic visualization: being beaten until only an ounce of life remains, repeatedly (and savagely) raped, having your children ripped from your hands and displaced to avoid rebellion/retaliation, forced to eat, sleep, and work inhumanely (field hand) or in violated servitude (housemaid), summoned to nurture (care for, even breastfeed) the children of your oppressor, witnessing your husband viciously sodomized (buck breaking) and whipped, with the deep lacerations further inflamed with salt and lacquer… I know, ENOUGH!

And to think, this is the Disney playback of the atrocities of slavery. Imagine the situation being so stark (bleak) that it took a Black woman’s encouragement (Harriet Tubman) for hundreds of slaves to seek freedom and escape these hardships through densely packed forests, snake-infested swampland, and dozens of protected safe houses known as the Underground Railroad. She did all of this with a badly healed skull fracture (from being struck with a 5-pound bell during a vicious beating) that caused frequent migraines (an unknown term then) as well as persistent narcolepsy. Her bravery was further amassed by the single fact that she made dozens of repeated “voyages” with an active bounty for her capture—all while keeping a pistol and a small stash of opium in her satchel to calm (silence) crying babies as well as to combat the cowardice of (men) seeking to return to their respective plantations (fearing greater retribution and punishment).

What about the transition period between slavery and the Reconstruction era? Here, Black women were the testing subjects for the most heinous, treacherous, and unethical surgical techniques and experiments imaginable, with the most extreme of this “research” being that it was all performed without anesthesia because (according to J. Marion Sims – the father of modern gynecology), “Black women don’t feel pain.” What about the battle for equality (human rights) and fair treatment during the era of women’s suffrage? Although utilized in the resistance against male-dominated inequality, Black women were still subjected to being placed at the front of the battle lines (of opposition), but then conveniently placed behind the brigade during marches and public displays of “unity.” This culminated in a frustrated Sojourner Truth penning her infamous speech, “Ain’t I a Woman?”—though it was actually rewritten in a slave-like dialect (for a newsletter publication) to evoke relatability and, therefore, garner more support. BLASPHEMY. What about during the Jim Crow era? Where Black women witnessed unprotected harassment, murder (Medgar Evers), and mob-led lynchings, the most grotesque of which culminated in the acquittal of two white men for the unspeakable beating of Emmett Till, sparking the Civil Rights movement. Speaking of that movement, all the marching and organizing that was facilitated, the boycotts and sit-ins that were initiated, the healing through sorrow (and despair) that was nurtured… from the legality and guidelines supporting Thurgood Marshall to the fearlessness of the Freedom Fighters to the non-violent movement of MLK to the unfiltered discipline of Malcolm X and the Nation of Islam to the unrivaled, revolutionary tactics of the Black Panthers, Black women were the adhesive element that glued everything together. This fight for civility further transitioned into countless government conspiracies—prison pipelines, the crack epidemic, disproportionate medical assistance, AIDS implementation (genocide), and welfare constructs (no male in the household)—further illustrating the suffering that Black women faced as a byproduct of their resiliency. Even today, after success in film, television, music, and the workplace—career-typecasts of the “angry Black woman” continue to drive perceived prejudices that prevent sustained advancement (unless the subject is deemed palatable, thus becoming an anomaly or outlier).

So, with all the historical evidence negating success while highlighting disparities and hardships, how can women of color maintain their dignity and be protected from the onslaught of maliciousness against them? Better yet, what can be done to prevent the long-standing kryptonite from weakening our “superwomen”? The simple answer is PEACE. A woman having the placement of peace within her life brings a sense of comfort that ultimately unveils the protection that is always needed.

Here are five easy ways to instill peace (onto your Superwoman):

P – Prioritize: Mandate that the woman in your life (partner) be disciplined with rest/recovery and “slowing down” enough for full restoration.

E – Empathize: Continued encouragement/acknowledgement that their efforts (and hard work) are seen and very much appreciated (applauded).

A – Assist: Volunteer your time and energy to “lighten the load” while being a conduit of goodwill (benefits the household entirely). Happy spouse, happy house.

C – Communicate: Provide honest, enriched feedback to show interest in their concerns and/or beliefs (highlights that you’re understanding – from an emotional standpoint).

E – Eliminate/Express: Allow adequate time for venting frustrations—no matter how trivial they may seem (non-judgmental). This provides an instant release and circumvents the “ticking time bomb effect.”

Ultimately, this methodology can have degrees of variance. Knowing a woman’s love language or pinpointing specific stressors she exhibits are all aspects of true value and being present (within a marriage, relationship, etc.). Moreover, providing consistency (in addition to peace) presents a level of dependability that women aspire to have woven into the fabric of their lives. That consistency may come in the form of fun activities (yoga, daily walks, shared meals, continued dating, sensuality, etc.). Moreover, these consistent capabilities are incomplete without the presence of some guidance through a spiritual component. Whether it’s attending worship service, maintaining a healthy prayer life, reading scripture (together), volunteering with community groups… these acts of reverence and humility aid in the structuring of a healthy life (balance) and strengthen the ability for our SUPERWOMEN to continue saving the world.

Jason C. Arnold